An Open Letter to Congress,
To the congressional majority (i.e. men): We, the women of the United States, understand your grave concerns about passing on the national debt to future generations, about sexual morals, abortion, inequitable healthcare, and about creating a ‘womb to tomb’ welfare state and we have come up with a solution. We are shutting down the womb and other associated female genitalia.
Our plan to limit government and control the national debt has a simple, individual mandate; we women will no long have sex with men or give birth to children. It has been determined by our budget committee that we simply can’t afford it. Due to cuts in the WIC program, breast will only be available to women, infants and children as a nutritional supplement program in place of WIC. In fact, since the original WIC program is no longer running in many places, we intend to co-op the name to save on advertising costs and will be calling our new policy the Women, Infants, and Children Act (WICA).
Due to the strong sentiment to avoid passing on debt to future generations, we have decided that there will be no more future generations. Problem solved. This solution addresses many of the grave ills that Congress and the American public are concerned about, such as a lack of sexual morals, abortions (which will now only be necessary in cases of rape or Immaculate Conception), contraception, adoption, and even education.
Our plan will solve some immediate budgeting issues, particularly in the area of healthcare. Its effect (abstinence) is a proven program to bring down the rates of sexually transmitted diseases, maternity care, and slow rates of cervical cancer, among many other benefits. Cost savings on drugs such as Viagra, which is currently covered under many insurance policies, is anticipated to help bring down health care costs. The WICA program will also negate the need for contraception which will not only save out-of-pocket costs for women who can least afford it, but will also remove the issue of health care coverage for contraception all together. We will agree to the House demands to negotiate the ACA before they reopen the government and will be revamping the ACA to be more in-line with conservative values. We suggest that the ACA stop including coverage for contraception, Viagra, maternity care, slim down treatment of sexually transmitted diseases, as well as providing concessions to liberals by increasing distribution of condoms to gay men, fully funding mammograms and a bi-partisan initiative to increase benefits to men for self-administered hand-job training and free hand lotion.
We anticipate that it will have a long-term effect on bringing down cost of education since there will be fewer students and some of the funding can then be re-routed to STEM programs, helping the remaining population to gain higher paying jobs. WICA will reduce the need for further subsidizes for food crops, reduce our pollution rates, and negate our dependence on foreign oil. Since there will be no more future generations, we won’t need any of that.
Additionally, since women are currently more likely to live in poverty, these changes will directly affect the people most in need of public assistance. Based on the current economic numbers our forecast predicts that the WICA program will create a stronger, healthier, longer-lived, more peaceful and less politically divided population. Since women are less likely to be in the top 1% of income earners, this will effectively end the debate on higher taxes for the rich. As the current generation of ultra rich die off, there will be no 1% to tax. Based on predictions, this program will simultaneously reduce the income gap, create a stronger middle class and expand the tax base.
WICA is a bi-partisan act that will also address many of the moral concerns of our conservative sisters such as abortion, sex education, and teen pregnancies. It has been pointed out to us by our conservative representatives and viral videos of Miley Cyrus that it is not men having sex with women that drives social ills, but rather women having sex with men that has caused the decline of our social values and driven up our national debt to record levels due to spending on social programs to help support women and their children. These goals are consistent with the Christian foundation of our nation which emphasizes the care of the needy, women, children, promote non-violence, and social justice.
We would like to be clear in our commitment to equality. All male children under the age of 16 and gay men will automatically be exempt in the WICA program. Since gay men and lesbians cannot pro-create through sexual acts, they will maintain full access to other consenting individuals of the same gender and legal age. We are considering this a partial sexual shutdown. One of our few anticipated expenditures will be on abstinence education for heterosexual men, however our budget forecast shows a substantial return on investment and costs savings within 10 years.
Although we realize that the pain of shutting down all sexual activity will be difficult in the short term, we are confident that the health and well-being of the American economy is more important than the happiness of the heterosexual population. We realize that heterosexual men will suffer the greatest impacts from our policies, however we feel that it is consistent with previous legislation that has consistently placed unequal burdens on other segments of the population (namely women) and we are certain that heterosexual men will continue their commitment to self-sacrifice for the good of their nation just as they have done for decades through military service.
The WICA program will be administered by women, who are currently under-employed compared with their levels of education, thus freeing them from the choice of parenting or working and providing higher wage jobs. We anticipate seeing real benefits from WICA within six months and full, social and economic recovery within 20-30 years.
We would also like to remind the public that this program will have a positive effect on your ability to care for your current children, will not stop you from adopting more, nor will it restrict your sexual activities with yourself or others of the same gender.
OlyEats 