International Speed Dating

International Speed Dating: be prepared to be offended. I usually am.

Seat #1 – South America

Him: “Hey baby! Do you want to take a ride in my El Camino? You know I will take good care of you. I have a very good business in Brazil. You can just take your shoes off, cook a little dinner and we will have lots of sex and lots of babies.”

Me: “Well, I do like to cook and I’m a good mother. But I am divorced-”

Him: “Next.”

Seat #2 – Middle America

Him: “Hey. I’m Bob. I’m a simple guy. I just need God, my gun, and a good woman.”

Me: “I’m not really religious and I don’t believe in violence. But I do try to be a good person and strive for balance in a relationship.”

Him: “You women are all the same. That last bitch wanted to get a job and go out. Naw, I said, God made me the man and we’re livin’ here in Eatonville and you ain’t goin’ no where until I say so.”

Me: “Next.”

Seat #3 – Middle East

Him: “I am a very liberal man, but if we were married you would need to cover up a bit more.”

Me: “Yes, I understand norms of social modesty. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that.”

Him: “Please cover your eyeballs, they are making me excited and you may force me to kill you to save your honor.”

Me: “You may want to meet Bob at seat number two; you guys have a lot in common.”

Seat #4 – Europe

Him: “Actually, I’m just here for the cocktail hour.”

Me: “Oh. That’s cool. This whole speed dating thing is a little overwhelming. I could use a little break.”

Him: “Yes. Dating is silly. Do you want to go get a room? Our love-making will be beautiful then we will never see each other again.”

Me: “No, thanks. I’ll stick with the cocktail.”

Seat #5 – India

Him: “Hello, mad’am. In India  marriage as a social contract and love will come later. We see marriage as a lifetime commitment, thus, it is important that each person brings things of lasting value to the marriage. I come from a good family, I will treat you well and I have a good job with a computer company. Please, tell me what you can offer me as a wife.”

Me: “Cool, I get that romantic love and the ability to have a relationship are not necessarily the same thing. So, lets see – I have my own home; I’m well educated; I’ve read the Kama Sutra – you know, adventurous, but still monogamous;  I appreciate the Hindu emphasis on family;  I’m okay with being vegetarian and I love curry. Oh yes, I’m a good mother, so if we chose to have more children you could feel secure in the fact that I know what I’m doing.”

Him: “You are not a virgin? Sorry, mad’am, tight pussy is paramount.”

Me: “Tight pussy will last about three months. I thought you guys knew a good deal when you saw one.”

Seat #6 – Liberal America

Him: “Hey. What’s up? I’m not looking to get married. It’s all about communication. We can have an open relationship where we can both feel free and just do our thing and do who ever –  I don’t believe in material things, but I heard you talking with the Indian gentlemen and it seems like you could take good care of me – (takes a drag) it’s all about love, you know-”

Me: “No. I don’t think it’s about love at all.”

Black Widow (The Avengers cocktail)


1 oz. Vodka
.75 oz. Kahlua
1 oz. grenadine


Pour the first three ingredients in a high ball or pint glass over ice
Fill with cola of choice
Stir gently
Note from the creators: “The black widow, Natasha Romanof, Russian born agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. What better way to encapsulate this Russian femme fetale than a sweet smooth variant on the Black Russian. This drink is smooth, sweet, and has just the hint of coffee flavour you’d want from a Kahlua drink.”


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