My friend says I have spidey senses. I call it intuition. He had applied for his green card and things were going along, but I had to open my fat mouth and say that I felt like he would have to leave the country. At least for a while. But I thought he would be back. He got an random audit and will be returning home soon. I’m not sure I like my spidey senses.
I said I felt like there was something wrong with my ex husband (besides the fact that he’s my ex husband) and sure enough, there was. Now this woman (who is part of what is wrong), who barged her way into my son’s live and threw mine into disarray because she had a wet pussy and a big hole in her heart is throwing my son’s live into disarray once again. How hard is it for a child to understand all this? She told him she loved him, that she was his family, and that she would always be there for him. She lied. And my son is suffering. And there is nothing that I can do to stop it. I can only mitigate it.
But I think I’m prepared. I have spent the last five years preparing for this, because my spidey senses told me I needed to. And if, like a mother tiger, I roared and clawed and drew some blood trying to protect him, I can live with that. Motherhood isn’t all fluff and cuddles and warm breast milk. Sometimes it’s tears and sweat and patience.
As a parent, I view my job as that of mentor, not of owner. I think a lot about the kinds of role models I want for my son. What is the use of getting a good one in someone else if I am not up to the task myself? Yes, I make mistakes all the time. But I will answer for them. Today, like Dr. Xavier gathers the X-Men, I gathered my forces. I called my friends and family asked them to reassure my son that they were not leaving; that they were real; that they would help protect him.
I have to give JJ some credit. He recognized that he was unprepared and I think that in no small part, he did think about how that would affect my son, and maybe even how it would affect me. Although I didn’t like his final decision I have to say that in there is the glimmer of a person who shows enough forethought to become a truly compassionate and self-responsible human being one day. Maybe even a do-gooder.
As for me, well, I have made plenty of mistakes, but none so terrible that I am unlovable. Like every super hero with extra sensory perception, I have my flaws. Today, after much reflection with my friends, I sent my ex husband a kind note, a compassionate note. Because I understand how he feels right now, I have been deceived by someone too. Him.
Another thing my spidey senses tell me is that carrying the burden of youthful folly is better than carrying the burden of hypocrisy. That although I wanted to say something different to my ex husband, what I did say will be the legacy I leave. As my friend so aptly put it “Nothing feels better than being able to direct kindness at those who challenge us to our cores”. I believe that. It is how I approached my relationships with JJ. He didn’t challenge me because he was horrid or silly or mean, but because carrying the burden of love is heavy. In fact, if I did anything wrong in my relationship with JJ it was to err on the side of love. If caring too much caused the end, I can live with that. It’s better than having to live with the alternative.
For the weight of the world is love,
cannot be bitter,
cannot withhold if denied for the weight is to heavy.
Must give as thought is given – for no return,
in all the excellence of it’s excess,
in all the excellence of it’s excess. – Chris Chandler
The Amazing Spiderman/woman
1 oz Frangelico Hazelnut Liqueur
1 oz Chambord raspberry liqueur
2 oz cranberry juice
Combine ingredients, shake well, and strain into a martini glass.