A Completely Fake and Imaginary Interview with Pope Benedict XVI

Mardi Gras, or “Fat Tuesday”, is the last day of the Carnival season. Fat Tuesday refers to the practice of the last night of eating richer, fatty foods before the ritual fasting of the Lenten season, which begins on Ash Wednesday.

For those of you who don’t know much about Catholicism, Lent end’s on Easter. This year Easter is on the 31st of March. Ironically, on this very same day the current Pope has decided to retire. That’s right, retire. A Pope hasn’t retired since the middle ages. The year 1415 to be exact, and that wasn’t due to old age, but to a schism in the church.

I mean can you get a sweeter job than one appointed to you by God? Who on Earth is going to fire you if you don’t finish your work? Plus, you get housing, free corporate gear and your own company vehicle. It’s like being CEO of one sixth of the worlds population.

Honestly, I wasn’t too hip on this new Pope when he started. I kind of liked John Paul. But this act has moved him up a notch in my eyes. That’s what Lent is all about; choosing to give something up.

A completely fake and imaginary interview with Pope Benedict XVI:

K: Hi, Papa. Can I call you papa?

PB: Oh, sure.

K: So, I have to say I like giving up things for Lent, even though I’m not a Catholic.

PB: God bless you, my child. You know, Lent really is meant to be an expression of self-imposed limits. If it functions well as a mythic ritual, it should remind us to be grateful for all the things we have. It should prompt us to reflect on what we really need and help us overcome our narcissism. You know, these fundamentalist Christians really piss me off with their me-me-me attitude. I think they would do well to remember what this ritual is for.

K: I have to say, I’m feeling a little lame right now, because I decided to give up meat for Lent. I rarely eat it anyway and I thought it would be easy. Kind of like that year I decided to give up sex for Lent –

PB: Well, we’re hoping other’s will take inspiration from you and give up sex for Lent too. Priests mostly.

K: Hummm, right. So, what are you planning to give up for Lent, Papa?

PB: After talking with the big boss, I have decided to give up the Papacy for Lent.

K: Damn! Really?


The first Pope to retire in 600 years. His Holiness is planning to spend more time on the golf course and believes he can do a better job promoting God via twitter.

PB: Yes, I believe that I should take a lesson from this idea of self-imposed limits. Working at a job that gives you so much power and influence over the lives of others is already kind of walking a thin line. If I can’t perform my task well, I’m not serving the people well. Also, people in this position –

K: You mean men –

PB: (uncomfortable pause) – people  in this position can get really greedy; the money, the women, the car – you know how it is.

K: Um, not really.

PB: The more I considered it the more I realized that my job isn’t about ME, it’s about we. Perhaps it’s about time that I got out of the way and let some of these young, strapping 60ish boys from Africa or Latin America have a crack at it. I mean, I kind of like Obama. Thank God you people didn’t elect Romney.

K: Well, Papa. Thanks for sharing you thoughts on this topic. Maybe I should reconsider the whole Catholic thing.

PB: Yes – well, we’re not really recruiting for women at this time, but keep up the good work.

It’s Fat Tuesday – also know as Pancake Day. Get your Paula Dean on and go all out kids because it’s veggies until March 31st:

Momma Dobias’ Pancake Sandwich Recipe – from http://www.foodrepublic.com


Ingredients for the pancakes

  • 1 1/2 cups flour
  • 1 1/2 tablespoons white sugar
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1 1/2 cups buttermilk
  • For the sandwich
  • 1 duck or chicken egg
  • 2 pieces bacon
  • powdered sugar and maple syrup, to serve

Combine all pancake ingredients in a large bowl.
Follow our instructions for making perfect pancakes and make two large ones our of the batter. Set aside.
In a large skillet, fry the bacon until crisp (use our handy guide if you like) and drain on a layer of paper towels.
Drain off most of the bacon fat and fry the egg.
Assemble the sandwich: pancake, bacon, fried egg, other pancake, and a sprinkle of powdered sugar. Serve with maple syrup.


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