Dope-ass Divinity

“I’m your dope-ass divinity, trollin’ with My trinity, tossin’ mad tweets in your immediate vicinity, flingin’ fly phrases from the fringes of infinity.” God tweets.

I found god’s tweets damn funny, so I went to the religion section to see what other deities I could fine. Guess what! God isn’t in the religion section. Apparently he thought humor was a better category for himself. Nicely done, Yahweh!

He has a tweet for just about everybody. I though I would share just a few of my favorites with you.

On politics and society…“Opposite-sex marriage and same-sex marriage are both immediately followed by no-sex marriage.”

“Congrats Palestine on going from “non-member observer entity” to “non-member observer state”! You’re now officially one-third less demeaned!”

Apparently he keeps a dream journal too. “Had the dream again last night. The one where I have a test on how to create the universe and I forgot to study.” –

“Do not take My name in vain. Only scream it if the sex is particularly good.” – just like Santa, he know’s when you are sleeping, and who you are sleeping with.

“You can achieve anything you set your half-baked unrealistic delusions to.”  – this one must have been meant for the JJ’s of the world.

On the environment: “I don’t create complex marine ecosystems in your landfills, so please don’t dump shit in My oceans.”

“Soon the Inuit will have 50 words for slush.”

Finally – “I’m sooo on high right now.” It seems that God is our first pot-tourist in Washington State.  Or, he’s just being sarcastic and witty.


Over the course of his long and distinguished career, God has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multi-talented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post–Simon Cowell era. Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is the ultimate celebrity autobiography.

God has been grabbing headlines ever since first creating the universe. His previous serious works as an author, The Old Testament, The New Testament, and The Koran, have sold an impressive 5 billion copies, with the first two in particular coming to be collectively regarded as something of a bible of their field.

Well, if that doesn’t give you a transcendent experience, this might:

Baked Lobster & Brie Dip

2 tsp olive oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
6 cups baby spinach, lightly packed
1 cup shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
1/2 cup nonfat plain Greek yogurt
1/2 cup low-fat plain cream cheese, softened
1 tbsp fresh lemon juice
Pinch ground cayenne pepper
1 1/2 cups chopped cooked lobster meat
1 1/2 cups low-fat Brie cheese, diced (about 7 oz)
2 tbsp each chopped fresh chives and flat-leaf parsley
Sea salt and fresh ground pepper, to taste
Preheat oven to 375°F. In a large skillet, heat oil on medium-high. Cooking in batches if necessary, add garlic and spinach and cook for 1 to 2 minutes, until spinach is just wilted. Transfer to a colander, allow to cool for 2 to 3 minutes and gently press to drain excess water. Cool to room temperature and transfer to a large mixing bowl. Set aside.
Add mozzarella, yogurt, cream cheese, lemon juice and cayenne to the bowl of a food processor and pulse until thoroughly combined. Using a spatula, scrape cheese mixture into bowl with spinach. Stir in lobster, Brie, chives and parsley. Season with salt and pepper.
Transfer dip to a shallow ovenproof casserole dish and place dish on a baking tray. Heat in oven for 15 to 18 minutes, until hot and bubbling. Remove from oven and let rest for 3 to 4 minutes.


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