Breakfast Cereal Killers

Since I don’t have a lot of time tonight, I’m going to let Chris Chandler give you someone radical-homemaker hints on what to serve for breakfast:

Down in Australia the ozone layer has gotten so bad that not only do people except it – they are finding ways to cash in on it. There are beer ads that say, “Well the world is coming to an end but wouldn’t you want to die with a Fosters in your hand?” 

Personally, I’m sick of all these visions of the apocalypse that have become as plentiful as Breakfast cereals on the isles of the supermarket of the next millennium. 

I’m waiting for ads like: 

“The hour is growing late: the Post Alphabits 

Spell d-o-o-m.” 

“The forces of destruction have been eating their Wheates, boy, while the Rice Krispies of righteousness’ Grow cold and soggy. Perhaps this is the way the world ends Not with a whimper or a bang but with a Snap, Crackle, and a Pop.” 


The world’s goin’ to hell and we know it 

Why not make a show of it 

Buy your tickets for the end of the world 

From the breakfast cereal killers 

The Lucky Charm’s leprechaun is an evil pagan Imp if ever I’ve seen one… The Trix rabbit, an obvious Marxist terrorist seeking the redistribution of resources from our children to subvert 3rd world rodents like himself… While the Fruit Loops bird is a homosexual, drug addict… 

The Sugar Smacks Sugar Bear is an androgynous petofile looking to lure our children into his cave of perversions by offering them sugar coated smack… 

Count Chocula is an aging Goth kid and after twenty years he’s still painting his fingernails black and secretly hopes Marilin Manson never gets as big as Bauhause… 

The Choa-Choa Puffs coo coo bird belongs in a straight jacket. His bird droppings have tested positive for cocoa… The Quaker Oats guy is a charismatic cult leader, leading a band of oddly dressed, wig-wearing, mason-like family, religious fanatic breakfast Serial killers… 

There’s mutiny from stern to bow on the Cap’n Crunch Ship of State. It’s all enough to make you want to Head for the beer Aisle. Just say it, say it with me: 

Head for the beer Aisle, Head for the beer Aisle, Head for the beer Aisle, Head for the beer Aisle Ahhhhh Beer Aisle — an isle– like an island of refuge… an oasis in the dry cereal wasteland…. But there is trouble brewing in 6-pack paradise…The Four Klidesdales of the Apocalypse ride the random-breathalyzer highways…. 

A prophet of marketing says to me: The end of the world is testing well indeed And we need nothing less than a major market share of extinction: 

Look at the latest numbers. The apocalypse is trafficking well in front of the Elysian Fields, the Rapture, Nirvana, Kroger, Star Market, Ralph’s, The second coming, Piggly Wiggly …The devil has 100% brand name recognition Among every demographic group…. 

…All except for one small survey set. Key groups finds it too all too… too… Negative… They like the end of world angle — 

Except for one thing… The ending… They want a more upbeat apocalypse…. Something that tells them like Tony the Tiger does: That it’s all going to be GRRRRRRRRREAT!!!! 

They want a cute, warm-fuzzy Product tie in: a kind of tickle me Anti-Christ Doll… or Beelzebub Beanie Babies. 

This is important business here. This is going to be big. Bigger than Mardi Gras. Bigger than the Super Bowl. 
Bigger than the Labor Day White Sale. 

It’s the end of the world, By God – and if we don’t get full sponsorship we are doomed


Tuesday, August 14, 2012   8:30 pm Portland, OR

Chris & Paul play with Kazum in a Variety Show Exravaganza!  THE FLYING POETRY CIRCUS AND MODERN MULTIMEDIA MEDICINE SHOW at the Alberta Rose Theatre

Chris & Paul play with Kazum in a Variety Show Exravaganza!  THE FLYING POETRY CIRCUS AND MODERN MULTIMEDIA MEDICINE SHOW

This will be an incredible show!

The Flying Poetry Circus and Modern Multimedia Medicine Show

High Flying-Storytelling-Acro-balancing-Blues-Americana-Short Films-Juggling-Hula Hooping-Burlesque-Poetry-Politics-Conscious-Contortionists-So-Politically-Correct-it-feels-comfortable-being-wholly-and-utterly-incorrect.  YES!

My friends Kazum! and I have wanted to do a show together for sometime – and finally the date is upon us!  It will be me and Paul doing our irreverent iconoclastic multimedia show – with the terrific highflying acro-balancing troupe Kazum!  We will also have several special guest culminating in an old school tent revival vaudeville hoe-down!

This is going to be a very special show:

As you know, The Alberta Rose is a pretty big room and I could use all the help I can get in getting the word out.  I would truly appreciate your help in letting others know about it and get yer butts down and see this one!

Even if you can’t make it (I am sure there are valid reasons not to be able to make it) please help me in letting some on you know and love to come in your stead.


3000 NE Alberta Street
Portland, or 97211

Price: $10.00



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