Yesterday someone reminded me that perhaps one of the hardest things to do in life is to swallow your pride when you have been wrong, when you have been insulted or have made mistakes. Perhaps, he suggested, that I should lead by example. Perhaps I should show others my affections by treating them the way I would like to be treated. Perhaps I know it, but I don’t do it as much as I should. Here is goes:
I was once really pissed and offended at JJ for telling me “you don’t have gaydar, you don’t know any gay people.” I often ask myself why this bothered me so damn much. It’s really kind of a silly thing. Who cares? What bothered me at the time was his obvious disinterest in me. I was disgusted that he made such a little attempt to know me. I was pissed at him for spending so little time in my life that he would draw that conclusion. It really had nothing to do with the subject at hand.
The other day I was in the kitchen with a friend talking and I suggested to her that she might consider going out on a date with my friend N. She said, “He’s not my type. But we should go out for coffee sometime.”
Fuck. JJ was right. I have no Gaydar. I have been so inundated my whole life with a huge variation in sexual preferences and lifestyles that I am oblivious to it. He, having not grown up in that social setting, was highly attuned to it. It never occurred to me that she wasn’t interested in my friend, she was interested in me.
So, for what it’s worth and if it ever gets to you, you were right. Even stoned and drunk you were right. I should have thought that through and taken a harder look at my own self-perceptions before I jumped to conclusions and acted on assumptions. The other assumption I made is that you never wanted to know me. Maybe I never made a safe place for you to.
She and I will be having coffee. I did explain to her that I’m only interested in a friendship and she was cool with that. I’ll try not to jump to any more conclusions over cappuccino. But if I do, I will try and swallow my pride sooner no matter how much it burns going down.
I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death. – Leonardo da Vinci
Mexican Coffee Cocktail
- 1 ounce coffee-flavored liqueur (such as Kahlua®)
- 1/2 ounce tequila
- 5 ounces hot coffee
- 2 tablespoons whipped cream
- Mix coffee liqueur and tequila in coffee cup; add coffee, and top with whipped cream.