Love/Hate Relationship


I get a lot of love from people who read this blog, and I wanted to say thanks. It is refreshing. It is a lovely contrast to the hate some people are willing to dish out in virtual reality.

I recently put up a post on a dating site and received a whole lot of hate mail telling me I am “just another white bitch traitor to (my) race” (what ever that is); that no one would consider me worth more than “friends with benefits” because I’m  not “marriage material”; and that I must be desperate because no sane “white man” wants me. Why? Because I described the kind of man I am most drawn too.

Really now… I’m sure there are plenty of great “white guys” (what ever that means) out there, but it seems to me that the nice guys of all colors and flavors are already married or otherwise spoken for. Obviously, the ones writing to me are not really my type.

Some men try to keep their hatefulness politically correct and tell me that I will never find a man if I have “conditions”. What they really mean is that they are insulted that I don’t find them attractive. Statistics tell me that my chance of finding someone I am compatible with emotionally, physically, in terms of values and who isn’t circumcised (sorry to all those guys – I know it probably wasn’t your choice) in American men is low. In fact, I am beginning to think that my chances of finding anyone I am compatible with are low. I think the statistics will bare me out on this one.

I say this: I value the kind of family and commitment that most American guys don’t; I prefer dependability and consistency not a disposable approach to love; I am not interested in condemning myself to a life half lived. Literature, cooking, sailing, writing, sex, traveling, a comfortable bed, friends, wine, music, mommy-hood, ballet – these things make me feel alive. It would be easier if my list were more like…shopping, McDonalds, TV, if I were child-free, rich, “independent” (what ever that means) and came with no emotional baggage. Talk about conditions…

I have an inclination to date off and on, but, sadly when I dip my foot in the dating pool again I get the feeling it’s more like a cesspool. And it’s just much too fridgid for me to take a dip. Am I too demanding? Maybe. Jaded? Probably. Just generally disinclined to face heartache and drama? Yes, I have to admit to that. I would like to think that I just don’t care to waste my life settling for someone because I am not confident enough to be on my own. I would hate to think that not being lonely is more important to me than loving and being loved.

It is a challenge to be out of the norm, to not want the same things the majority of people in your society want, and I realize that I open myself up to hurt, hate, failure, disappointment, fear, or feelings of incompetence. I know I have always been a stranger in my own country. Sometimes I fall back on the familiar because it holds some comfort. Sometimes I try to fit in, thinking it might be easier, but it’s not. And let’s face it, if all your choices are going to be difficult ones then you have to ask yourself what is worth the challenge? If we choose to step outside our conditioned boundaries, whether is it culturally, socially, age wise or even because of our sexual orientation, then we must be prepared. We will have to face disapproval, whether it comes from our families, our friends or from internet strangers. We will feel lost and not always understand. You often need a lot of courage, patience, flexibility and maybe a psychological machete to cut away the crap on the path less travelled. And I guess you have to be prepared for the hate mail too.

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“Life is perpetually creative because it contains in itself that surplus which ever overflows the boundaries of the immediate time and space, restlessly pursuing its adventure of expression in the varied forms of self-realization.”   Rabindranath Tagore

“It’s a slippery slope, Carrie. Without boundaries you never know what might happen. [Miranda]” – Sex in the City

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Blonde Brownies

From Allrecipes.com Makes: 12
  • 125 g sifted all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/8 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 60 g chopped walnuts
  • 75 g butter
  • 220 g packed brown sugar
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
  • 110 g semisweet chocolate chips
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C).
2. Measure sifted flour and add baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Sift again. Add chopped nuts. Mix well and set aside.
3. Melt butter and add firmly packed brown sugar and mix well. If shortening is used, add 1 tablespoon hot water. Cool slightly.
4. Add egg (beaten) and vanilla. Blend well. Add flour mixture, a little at a time, mixing well.
5. Spread in 9 x 9 x 2 inch pan. Sprinkle 1/2 to 1 cup chocolate chips on top. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes.
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