I wonder why no one fills my heart and lately I think I have discovered an answer. It’s so simple really. I’ve known it all along, but I don’t think I absorbed it down to my core. I don’t want to share anyone else’s life. I see all these men who would fight for me to love them, but I don’t want to be a part of it. I didn’t feel like this before, why do I now? Because I have lost.

It wasn’t just my cooking that I didn’t share with JJ. He tried. I have to give him credit for his effort, but he could never really let himself into the depths of my life, just the superficialities. Just the stupid Thanksgivings that didn’t mean shit to me. We never went fossil hunting, sailing for real, didn’t go on a hike that was a challenge, never travelled by ourselves together, never relaxed by my fire and read a book. His pup never got comfortable at my house. He never let himself get comfortable with my son. I did not take him to my favorite theater, he never met my friends. I just had an empty, wordy person for him.

I shared in his life, met his friends, read at his house and I don’t want to do that again with anyone else. We don’t participate because deep down (can I whisper this on a blog?) we are afraid to lose something. Like friends, a kitty or dog we were fond of, a child we’ve grown attached to, even the comfort of a bed we like. Deep down among our inner layers we remember the loss of an aunt, a grandmother, a parent, a life we once knew when we were 8 or 38 and it moves us like an invisible hand. We can avoid loosing things we care for if we don’t participate, but we will never be filled with things we love.

And what if we lost someone we had come to know and love again? It hurts. I know.


“Marriage is not a simple love affair, it’s an ordeal, and the ordeal is the sacrifice of ego to a relationship in which two have become one”- Joseph Campbell

One of my favorite books, it might become yours too.

Fennel and Grapefruit Salad (GF, VG, V) (a recommendation for my friend who’s eating salad all week)

  • 1 large ruby-red grapefruit or 3 blood oranges
  • 2 small fresh fennel bulbs, trimmed, halved vertically, sliced paper-thin
  • 1 cup fresh Italian parsley leaves
  • 1/4 cup fresh mint leaves
  • Extra-virgin olive oil
  • Sea salt flakes

Cut off top and bottom ends of grapefruit. Stand on 1 flat side. Starting at top of fruit, cut off all peel and white pith, following curve of fruit. Working over bowl, cut between membranes, releasing segments; squeeze any juice into bowl. Transfer segments to another bowl. DO AHEAD: Can be made 1 day ahead. Cover juice and segments separately and chill.

Combine fennel and herbs in large bowl. Cut grapefruit segments into 1/3- to 1/2-inch cubes. Add to bowl with fennel and toss to coat. Arrange salad on platter. Drizzle lightly with oil, then grapefruit juice, if desired. Sprinkle with sea salt flakes and serve.


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