“you can’t always get what you wan’t, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need.” – the Rolling Stones
Every time I used the word “need” B would ask me to define what need is. I’ve held on to that question. I find it comes in handy. When I think of neediness I think of JJ. He has so much of what he thought of as need, he tried to define what he “needed” from a relationship, from his life. Sometimes he would use the word “want” instead. Want isn’t all that much different except that it takes ownership of desire. We all do this. We like to define.
I’ve been thinking about biology of late and of the inherent aspect of definition and systematic identification of things in western scientific method. About how we like cause and effect so much, as if there is only one choice of outcome for every interaction. JJ wanted very specific things from me and he had a very specific idea of what the result of receiving those things would be. He wanted guidance most of all, I think.
My friend asked me why I would still even put fourth an effort to say hello once in a while. The answer is that his inability to love or communicate does not preclude my ability to. I did not enter into our relationship with only want or need in mind. I entered with the intention to give, I exited with that intention, and I prefer to continue with that intention.
Could I give him everything he wanted? No. Could he give that to me? No. I don’t mean to say that I didn’t expect reciprocity of giving, only that I wanted the intent of giving to lead my actions. Want is not what matters, giving is. Nature does not define and classify what it needs for evolution, it just gives from what it has.
The first day I met him I sat on the edge of my bed after he left and looked at myself in the mirror. “He’s just a boy. You will not hurt him.” I told myself. “Allow him to be enough just as he is.” I don’t think I always did well and I certainly never told him until the end that he was fine the way he was. Although, at times, I may have wanted things he couldn’t give, a sublime life together blossoming with growing pains and kindness was all I needed with him.
“What a beautiful thing is a life together as growing personalities, each helping the other to flower, rather than just moving into the standard archetype. It’s a wonderful thing when people can make the decision to be something quite astonishing and unexpected, rather than cookie-mold products.” – JC
10-minute couscous salad
- 4 oz couscous
- 7 fl oz hot low salt vegetable stock (from a cube is fine)
- 2 spring onions
- 1 red pepper
- ½ cucumber
- 2 oz feta cheese , cubed
- 2 tbsp pesto
- 2 tbsp toasted pine nuts
Tip couscous into a large bowl, pour over stock. Cover, then leave for 10 mins, until fluffy and all the stock has been absorbed. Meanwhile, slice the onions and pepper and dice the cucumber. Add these to the couscous, fork through pesto, crumble in feta, then sprinkle over pine nuts to serve.