Intimate Details

“Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone…” Joni Mitchell

You can play that silly, school-yard game: ‘I’ll leave and that will make you miss me’ or ‘I only want you if you walk away and play hard to get.’ As we graduate we get a little more sophisticated, “I will leave and that will take away this uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability and uncertainty that loving you gives me. Then you will chase me to show me you care.” What would you do if someone stopped and turned around?

If someone is only capable of reaching out to another when the other has left or are inaccessible, are they capable of being in a relationship? It takes both people to move toward each other. Part of the trick to love is recognizing what you have while it’s there. If you’ve fucked it up, run away and only just realized it, then swallow your pride, grab your balls and go do something about it. Stop running. Turn around.

My friend did something unexpected the other day. He said he could no longer handle being friends with his ex because he still loves her. He felt he needed to cut things off and “move on”. I was surprised for two reasons. One was that he finally admitted it and the other was that his solution to loving someone was to run away. The irony is that  as he contemplates running further and further away he bared his soul to her and told her how he felt. Something, I suspect, she wanted all along and he couldn’t give while they were together. He had stopped in their relationship at that point where he felt safely detached, not wanting to move toward her into that ethereal place where your heart can be touched by another. His admission of love made him feel naked and uncomfortable.

Yes, he had bared himself and he expected big things, big changes. “To be very honest,” he said, “I miss her but I am still not sure if I am right for her. If I know I am, I would go get her no matter what the odds are. The problem is, I have no strong reason or have I seen changes that I feel would be beneficial for a healthy relationship between us.”

“Give it time,” I said, ” that was a bit of a step for you, I think. You need to let yourself get comfortable with that kind of vulnerability. Don’t over think it, just focus on that little bit for now, let it sink in and then you will see what the next one is. You will see the big change after you have competed a few little ones.”

This is just the first step in a journey. It felt like such a big step to him, and like many adventures that entail risk and uncertainty, the first step is often the hardest one.

I’ve been really into the grilled cheese sandwich lately. The beauty of the grilled cheese is really in the details. If you are willing to go out on a limb and try something outside the box it may lead you to new and exciting delights. I was feeling brave the other night…

Grilled Cheese and Avocado on Naan

  • Garlic Naan
  • 1/2 avocado, sliced
  • Smoked mozzarella cheese
  • TJ Expresso Parmigiana
  • Anchovies, small bits
  • Jalapenos, chopped
  • Garlic paste
  • Butter
Put everything together except the avocado. Toast it with a little butter on low heat, open faced, until the cheese is melted (you can cover it with a lid to help the melting process), then add your avocado slices and the other piece of naan before turning.

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