I think a lot about people’s ‘criteria’ for dating. We all have things that are attractive to us and when we look for a date, we often start by making a list of them. Then when dates don’t go well, or relationships fail, we add to that list. It seems to me that one or two failures throws you into a vicious cycle. You add to your list, people are less likely to meet all of your criteria, the relationships doesn’t work out, you add more criteria to your list, etc. I’ve heard that relationships fail most often because of the 5% of things that don’t meet your needs. Does that mean that the 95% that does is irrelevant? I suppose that depends on what you focus on.
I hear this all the time, “I cannot change myself for someone else.” It makes me wonder. Does that 5% define you more than the 95%? Do we forget how much someone adds to our lives and instead cling desperately to silly things like driving to see them, like an ineffective communication style, like a place we live, like an imagined future, like large breasts or skinny bodies? The things is, these criteria and these ideals will probably change for you with or without another person in your life.
“Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.” – Carl Jung. Of course we cannot give up our essential selves in a relationship. I do not see a contradiction between allowing a relationship to change you and remaining true to yourself. It has been my experience that denying that chemical reaction of two souls, of failing to nurture the process of growing together, is what draws forth an inauthentic you. In trying to retain our ideals, our dogmas, our criteria instead of admitting that maybe they don’t add value to our relationship or our life, we put up defenses, a mask, which hides our essential self.
Someone once showed me this check list of qualities white, west-coast women have. Sadly, it fit me pretty well. Demographics… I was joking with my friend S the other day about the standard demographics of a single Indian guy in the US. Here it is:
- IT professional
- live with 1-3 other Indian guys
- has plaid shirts, wears boxers instead of briefs, has a bottle of Old Spice and Axe in his bathroom
- plays video games
- goes hiking on weekends, goes jogging regularly, likes swimming
- has a post on one or more dating sites looking for a modern girl
- has a picture of himself taken next to a picture of someone else who looks like him
- average age 24-32
- Hindu Brahmin or Sikh
- Aquarius or Pisces
- average height 5’9 to 5’11
- average weight 155-175lbs
- average number of siblings 1
- wears tee shirts and button downs with a causal dress jacket, jeans and tennis shoes
- has had a average of 1-4 girlfriends in his life
- has at least a bachelors, but probably a master’s degree
- Lives in Bellevue or South Lake Union area
- Listens to KEPX, watches Dexter, likes Cricket, watches Indie movies and documentaries and has liberal political views, likes to travel
- Named Guptha, Sharma, Kumar, Singh, Ashok, Amit or Patel
- Likes to describe themselves as simple, fun-loving, adventurous, honest and descent.
It’s funny, there are literally millions of guys out there who fit this description. There are hundreds of people who will come and go in my life that I have a connection with on some level and there are thousands who might meet most of my ‘criteria’. But out of all of those, finding one who makes your heart beat faster when you first meet, one who makes you laugh, one that you grow in love with is rare. It’s sad to me when you allow your criteria to be more important than your heart. When you weigh things as if they are a commodity. When you throw out something that started out so nicely for the 5% of your ‘needs’ that they don’t meet. I’ve met lots of Guptha’s and Sharma’s and Kumar’s and Patel’s, but none of them grabbed a hold of my heart like the one who didn’t really fit much of my criteria.
There are also dozens of lovely, independent coffee and tea shops in Oly, but if you are looking for something unique, try Sizzis. Don’t be fooled if it looks dark and closed, they are open 24/7. They have an amazing selection of tea and luscious, piquant coffee’s. Often stuffed with students and laced with steamy windows from the heat inside, it is an inspiring place to sit and sip. A writers paradise…
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ― C.G. Jung
A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes. It is a catalyst and it sparks extraordinary results. – Wade Boggs
“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.” ― C.G. Jung