There is this stupid question (one of many) on Okcupid which is, “what is more important to you, expression or knowledge?” I was bored so I answered. Knowledge. Then I thought about it for a while. I am, after all, a dancer, a teacher and writer. So, I went back and changed it to Expression. I thought about it a little more and I think I should change it back, but I just don’t really give a shit at this point.
What I have discover about myself more and more is that I need knowledge. I need to learn things like I need food and water. I don’t care if it is something hard to learn. I don’t care if I think it is something I have already learned. I don’t care if I look stupid trying it. I don’t care if it is difficult, if it makes me cry, if I find out I am wrong, if it makes me feel frustrated or if it takes me the rest of my life. I need to be filled up with information, touches, smells, tastes, experiences. I want to know about everything. When I ask I feel alive.
We tend to have this idea that children have questions and adults have answers. I don’t believe it is about maturity or immaturity. When you question you breath in the world. You exist like an elemental particle in the pusling, vibrant, living process of creation. The real question is whether you have accepted the world as you have been told it is and have decided to spit out, shit out and live out someone else’s dogma. Or are you are willing to go out on a very precarious limb and entertain the possibility of looking like a child, like a shaky little colt trying to stand for the first time, just to know more? How much effort goes into those few wobbly step? Do you have the strength and the self-assurance to go there again and again?
When I put my profile up there on Okcupid, I decided to look through my choices. I typed in my criteria and who came up on the top of my list? JJ. It made me shake and turn cold. I cried. I knew he was lying about leaving because it was “not fair” to me to make me wait for him to figure himself out. Aside from the obvious reasons, I knew it was a lie because he always told me how he felt but never questioned his feelings, and he never asked me what I thought was “fair”. But to see his lie staring me in the face really hurt. I decided to look at his answer to that stupid question. It was ‘Expression’. It was a good answer for him. He really does want someone to know him, as if by magic, and he had no interest in knowing about anyone else. I know in my heart he will never come back; he couldn’t bare to stand wobbly and unsure with me, he couldn’t stomach feeling stupid. He would never question what he thinks he already knows. It’s really too bad, learning is delicious.
What I re-learned Sunday morning:
I thought I knew how to do this, but I was wrong. This is how I tried it this time. Chop one onion as if you were making onion rings. Put it in frying pan with a little olive oil as if you are going to saute them. Add a little salt. When you caramelize other things, often times you use a little sugar. I learned that salt helps wick the moisture out of the onion. It seems to be the thing that actually gives them that rich sweetness. Cook them on medium heat, stirring them around occasionally until they are well cooked and browned.
The other thing I learned is that you can de-glaze with all sorts of stuff. I usually use wine, but this time I tried this wonderful German herbed vinegar. To de-glaze your onions, turn the heat up to high and put in a dash or two or three of what ever liquid you have picked. It should immediately boil. Take your spoon or spatula and scrape all that wonderful, yummy brown stuff off the pan.
Thanks to the Hungry Irishman, I had mine with my eggs for breakfast and a little Cotija on top. But you can put these in all sorts of dishes. Maybe on your grilled cheese sandwich. Go ahead, try it. If at some point you find you’re not sure what the next step is, ask.