Some of you may have noticed in the last two weeks that I have posted fewer recipes from my kitchen. There is a reason – school. My Master’s classes have started. I suspect that there is some mathematical formula that would describe my progress in school based on the posts in my blog. Ratio of recipes to restaurant reviews, times the ratio of the number of my own recipes to one from others, divided by the the number of of words per post. Or something along those lines. A GPA tracker – like an intellectual GPS.
Determining my track for school has been a struggle for me, but I’ve finally started. As you know I have been thinking about relationships a lot over the last year. In particular I have been thinking about how people learn in a relationship. I’m sure you have all heard this, “Don’t try to change me!” or “That’s just how I am.” These have always seemed like cop-outs to me, but I’ve never quite been able to put my finger on why. Ultimately, I do believe that loving someone for who they are, the way they are, is very important. As I have been thinking about school, I have realized more and more how it is a good analogy for relationships. I just don’t think people are really educated in how to have them. They are given a model, they are given an agenda, but they are rarely given skills.
JJ complained a bit about how I held L up as a “model” for relationships, and probably rightly so, because I don’t think I was ever really able to explain my thoughts well. He kept saying I had a “one-size-fits-all” view of relationships. Not true. I know quite well that each person is different and needs different things. What I was talking about was relationship education. I started out with this agenda for school, where I wanted to go, what kind of job I wanted to get, etc. A focus on the end result. It was frustrating and completely unproductive. To gain knowledge you really have to invest in the process of education, to love you really have to invest in the process of learning to relate to another person.
What I admire about L is that he has educated himself in the vernacular of a relationship. Learning how to communicate in a relationship is more like a guideline – ‘this is how you can discover things, learn things’. A model is – ‘this is the structure I want for a relationship’. An agenda is – these are the things I want from a relationship.
Learning – the uneducated response, ” I need space for me. I’ll come back when I’m ready. I need to make myself feel better.” The educated response, “I need space for me so that I can contribute better to our relationship. Happiness in my life is important for happiness in our life together. Can you give me (insert a reasonable amount of time) and I will call you then?”
Model – A bad model is I want to be married, monagmous, in an open relationship, FWB, foot-loose and fancy free fucking. A good model is I want a relationship that is based on communication, compassion, caring, etc.
Agenda – A bad agenda is I want someone who works/stays home, magically knows me, doesn’t ask me to change. A good agenda is I want someone who contributes to our relationship in a practical way depending on our circumstances, I want to learn to communicate with someone in a way that it will start to become second-nature, I want someone who loves me for who I am and supports me in learning more about myself.
When you learn how to communicate together the drama disappears like the sun burning off the fog and you are left with a deep and beautiful emotional connection. Have you read The Ethical Slut yet?
The good news for you guys about all this education is that since I don’t have a lot of time to cook every day, so there will be more restaurant reviews for you! Let’s start with a place that is not generally the kind I would recommend. Anthony’s Home Port. Yeah, I know what your are thinking, you are ready to stop reading right now. Learn a little with me. They may be a chain, but they are regional chain. They do support local producers, and they have a good happy hour. From 3:30 to 6:30 every day you can get coctails for $5.00 and appetizers for $5.00.
My first favorite are the Ahi Nachos. Tuna Sashimi, pineapple and garlic Aioli served on a Taro chip. Eating them is like a little trip to Hawaii, only cheaper.
Their calamari is also a favorite. It’s prepared the standard way, but they do it well. Not rubbery or overly seasoned.
So take your book and go enjoy some space for yourself. You will come back a better person and your happiness will contribute to the happiness of those around you.
“The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves” ― Joseph Campbell
“Nobody communicates with perfect form all of the time. But, when communication is loaded, difficult, confusing and important, then we need to make the ethical commitment to own our stuff, and let you own yours.”- from The Ethical Slut