Keeping the Eostra in Easter

I gave up sex for Lent one year, just for the hell of it. I found the irony of that very funny. Unfortunately for me, it wasn’t a difficult task. You are really supposed to give up food, but that was just taking things a little too far in my book.

A Short, blasphemous history of Easter from Although Easter is technically a Christian holiday, its history starts long before. There was the ancient fertility godess Esotera, and of course the Jewish holiday of Passover. During the last of the 10 Plagues of Egypt, Jews were instructed by God to smear the blood of a sacrificed lamb on the doors to their homes so that the people inside would be spared from having their firstborn killed.

Later on, according to Christians, God was listening to his heavy metal albums and decided to have a different version of Passover in which the lamb would be God. So during a Passover around 30 AD Jesus was crucified, much to the delight of Mel Gibson. This event is remembered on Good Friday, which was presumably named by Satan. Easter Sunday celebrates his resurrection three days later. Somewhere along the line, these remembrances of pain, blood and suffering became associated with chocolate, which in some ways wasn’t that bad.

The original pagan festival was a fertility celebration in honor of the goddess Eostra, a moon goddess who’s symbol was a rabbit. It is from this myth we get the phrase in the common vernacular, “fucking like bunnies”. Unfortunately, like most pagan holidays, Easter was usurped. Not by Jesus, but by the dreaded Tyranny of the Cute. The despotic Disney regime has take the sex out of yet another holiday. Damn them.


Author/Creation Scientist, Dr. Daniel Cameroon. “In the old days, deluded pagans would gather round and hump like bunnies on Easter Sunday because they thought it would make their tomatoes grow faster.”  Dr. Cameroon explains that it doesn’t matter what god or idol the Pagans were humping under on Easter Sunday, because any god other than “Jesus” is “Satan.”  Dr. Cameroon dedicates four chapters in the book to Easter Eggs.  “Easter Eggs are one of the wiliest tools of the Devil,” he says… Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles? (The Truth About Easter Eggs) is a wonderfully informative and well-researched Christian book which consolidates a 2-month Adult Remedial Sunday School series into two-hundred exciting and easy to read pages along with memorable illustrations.  Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles? or “PWLT” as the book is now referred to in the Southern Baptist Sunday School Teachers catalogue takes the reader on an unforgettable journey that traces the pagan (Satanic) origins of secular (Satanic) Easter, with a specific focus on the origin of “Easter Eggs.” 

This Tuesday is Fat Tuesday -A gluttonous party to prepare yourself for those forty (40) days of fasting. Sure…who does God think he’s kidding here? But he’s not alone in these completely unreasonable demands and quirky culinary canons, there are a great number of religions that celebrate both fasting and food. The thing that has struck me is how many traditional dinners there are, and how few traditional breakfasts. So, you can imagine my joy when I found out that Pancakes are the traditional meal for Fat Tuesday. Kumar Patel doesn’t know what he’s missing…

Butternut Squash Pancakes (VG)

  • 1 small organic butternut squash
  • 2 organic egg
  • 1/2 cup of organic milk
  • 1/2 cap full vanilla
  • 1 cups organic flour
  • 1 cup almond meal
  • 2 teaspoons of baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1/4 teaspoon cardamon
  • 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
  • Syrup
  • Mascarpone Cheese


Preheat oven 350º F.

Cut squash in half, and remove seeds with a spoon. Bake squash in a roasting pan until tender about 40 minutes. A about 1/4 cup of water to the roasting pan and cover it with tinfoil (this will keep the squash from drying out). Scoop out squash with a spoon and cool.

Mash squash with a fork. In a bowl, combine the wet ingredients: squash, eggs, vanilla and milk. In another bowl combine the dry ingredients: flour, baking powder, cinnamon, cardamon and nutmeg.

Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and mix well. Pour or ladle batter into a pan and cook on med-low heat for about 3 minutes per side.

I served mine with a little drizzle of this lovely organic Hazelnut Syrup and a tiny bit of Mascarpone Cheese on top. No wonder they call it Fat Tuesday.

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