“Valentines Day is being replace with the ancient Roman holiday of Fornacalia. No kidding, this holiday actually existed. It was the Roman equivalent of an annual block party feast with sacrifices in honor of the goddess Fornax to ensure that the bread would be baked properly that year. For this holiday, I’m thinking chocolate cake is on the menu. I suggest that the ritual consist of women, married or otherwise, being able to have one day of free sex with anyone of their choosing. No judgments, no guilt, chocolate cake. Now there’s a holiday that would be dear to my heart.”

Yes, Fornacalia is almost upon us. A holiday in which you can enjoy having your cake and eating it too. I don’t know about you, but I’m excited. Besides a good chocolate cake, we will need to have a few holiday decorations and a greeting or two.

A Fornacalia greeting to men: “Sir, has your bread risen this holiday?”

A Fornacalia greeting to women: “Madam, may I put my loaf in your oven?”

“Io! Fornacalia!” Might work too, if you are just in a general celebratory mood. Can we please forget about the cheesy hearts, the corn syrup candy, the disingenuous sentimentality? I’m not against love, I’m just against the fake, sterilized commercialization of it. I’m against the Hallmark Pimp’s who seduce young children into believing their fairy-tale romance stories so they will grow up consuming shiny red hearts filled with candy out of an embedded sense of guilt. I think the only thing we really need for Fornacalia (besides chocolate cake) is a small invitation – perhaps a red, woven friendship bracelet that you wear to let people know your in the mood.

This doesn’t have to be a holiday about two strangers. Think on that night you smoked too much pot, drank too much wine, lost all your inhibitions and something a little more than sex and a little less than love was made. Remember when you felt someone’s heart beat fast under your fingertips, or that sweet, luscious kiss in a dark pub when the rest of the world melted away and your lips pressed your souls into one another? Remember the first time you….well, you get the picture.

Now, if you are not a good baker, hustle your buns down to Bonjour Cupcake on Capitol Way and get your sweety for the day a chocolate one.

609 Capitol Way S
Olympia, WA 98501

(360) 515-0564

Hours: Mon-Thu 10 am – 7 pm; Fri-Sat 10 am – 8 pm; Sun 11 am – 5 pm

Be generous, be safe and, most importantly, be open. You might discover new and wonderful things about your partner, revel in the joys of a new romance or re-kindle a beautiful connection that you thought you had lost.

Foot note: There is only one good thing I can think of if Newt Gringrich, by some terrible mishap, became president – he would probably be in favor of nationalizing this holiday.


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