Simplicity, A Primer

Bill Clinton had a great mantra: KISS – Keep it Simple, Stupid. Not only can this mantra help you win the presidency, it can also help you maintain, repair or regenerate your relationship. There is a myth that women are complicated. The truth is women love simplicity. Let’s look at a few of these women myths…

Myth: Women want to be right all the time.

Truth: Women want to be understood. We know that once you understand, then of course, you will agree. If you don’t agree, most rational women will simply assume that you are just too young. Women are genetically programmed to have empathy for young members of their species and will demonstrate much more patience once this has been established. An alternate view of this myth is that women need to talk things out. In reality, the only reason they want to talk is because you have demonstrated a lack of understanding and have not yet conceded that.

Solution: Either (A) try the old psychological trick of repeating what someone has said. For example: “So you are saying (insert exact verbage here)?” This may give you both all the insight you need. If not then (B) admit that you don’t understand, apologize and tell her you will work on it.

Myth: Women are clingy.

Truth: Men and women have a different perception of the space-time continuum. If we look at the XX and  XY chromosomes, we can see that men have a genetic irregularity. My theory is that this particular missing piece of the chromosome actually resides in the quantum field.  Consequently, when a man reaches puberty, his quantum genotype begins to express his quantum phenotype. Since he cannot qualifiy or quantify this self in the regular space-time continuum, where the other 3/4 of himself exists, he simply states, “I just need space”.

Solution:  Aristotle stated it best when he said, ‘know thyself’. Space is a big subject in both physics and relationships. There could be a whole book written on it, but we are going to start simple. If you don’t know thy self then try this: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I don’t know why. I’m sure it will pass. I need __(specific distance)___ for ___(specific amount of time)___ and after that maybe we can ___(something specific that you both enjoy)___together. Warning! Keep your specifics small! Anything beyond complete lack of contact for two weeks is probably not okay. Remember, no part of her exists in the quantum field, there for, space and time are her only reference point. To make things easier, try using a  mathematical formula which takes some relativity into account. The ST(space/time total)=D factor(difficulty factor on a scale of 1-100,ooo)*HLS(human life span average)/432,000. A score of .01 would give you one hour, .1 would give you one day, 1.0 one year, etc. An argument over the dishes might constitute a d factor of 100 with a human life span average of 80 years.

Myth: Women want to control you and tie you down.

Truth: Why would women want to control you? That’s just one more thing they would have to worry about. Why would they want to tie you down? Men are quite capable of tying themselves to the TV, computer, etc. for hours on end. What women really want is to know that you can manage things on your own and that your adventures mean conquests of your fears or your limits, not of the waitress at the restaurant. Climb every mountain, swim every sea, keep your dick in your pants. No woman wants chlamydia as an anniversary gift. Men, in their quantum field, have no sense of time. This is expressed in the space-time field as a fear of the unknown (time)  and mis-understood, leading to the belief that women want to limit this thing called time or “tie them down.” Hence their fear of commitment.

Solution: The Z factor formula. Z* is a complex conjugate which means a pair of complex numbers, both having the same real part, but with imaginary parts of equal magnitude and opposite signs.  Men are afraid of commitment simply because of their partial existence in the quantum field, where a definition of totality does not exist. Women, as Joseph Campbell might say, represent the field of space-time. They are totality. A woman uses the Z factor formula when deciding if a man is worth the effort to keep around. It goes like this: Z*=SD (D factor*HLS)-(SUMe)(O)+P(x). In non-mathematical terms this means that women determine conjugation by figuring the standard deviation for a particular number which is found by multiplying the difficulty factor of a man by the average human life span, minus the sum of all other commitments in her life, multiplied by the Big O notion (describes the limiting behavior of a function, when the argument tends towards a particular value – not orgasms), plus the universal qualification (that P(x) is true for all x, with x being a man). What she comes up with is a number describing how much time she will actually have to spend with you over a life time and how often she will have to do it. Surprisingly, this actually comes out to be a relatively low number even in a finite field like space-time. This is why women are generally not afraid of commitment.

Myth: Padding the truth is always the best way to make a woman feel better, no matter what you have to say.

Truth: Women want it straight. They don’t care if what you have to say isn’t pleasant. Life is a bitch sometimes. What we really care about is what you are going to do. What we abhor the most is, to quote Winston Churchill, a “fabrication of terminological inexactitudes”. Although women do not have a quantum genetic self, it has been shown that they have an area of the brain which is much more highly developed than in men called  the transpicuous optical obscura. This allows them to see through bullshit. For more information on this, consult your mother.

Solution: Here is an example of a common padding problem. Your female says, “Do I look like I’ve gained weight?” Answer: “Yes.” NEVER follow this up with some weight loss plan or just flat out lie like, “I like a BBW.” Try this: “It’s hard to loose weight when you (sit at a desk, just had a kid, have a food addiction, live in a food-fucked culture, etc.).  If I can help you, I will, but what ever you choose to do about it I will stand by you.”

Myth: Women cry because they are sad.

Truth: Women rarely cry because they are sad, instead they usually pursue some sort of self-destructive behavior. If your female is crying, she’s fine. She may be frustrated, confused, tired, exasporated or hormonal, but it’s probably nothing that won’t pass.

Solution: Take your cue from other women here. They know what to do. If you have done something that has instigated the crying, just say you are sorry. Not “I didn’t mean it”, “I won’t do it again” and especially not “you are overreacting”. these kinds of answers will be immediately detected by the transpicuous optical obscura area of the brain and cause an emotional overload. Try: “I’m sorry”, and mean it. Hug her and then try something like this, “Why don’t you have__ (chocolate cake, ice-cream, wine, a hot bath)___ and I will ___(play a video game, fuck around in the garage, smoke a bole)___. Then we can talk, because we will communicate better when we are both more relaxed.” This is simple, thoughtful, objective and practical. In fact, I think that will be my new mantra S.T.O.P.

Stop and remember, no one is perfect.

So, in conclusion, my recommendations are: try to understand someone else’s point of view; don’t lie; be kind; live in the here and now; when things get heated make it S.T.O.P. At this point you may be asking yourself, “what the fuck does any of this have to do with food?” The answer is nothing, really. It’s just something that has been on my mind.

However, if you want to score some bonus points with your female and maybe get a BJ tonight, try making this for dinner. It’s simple and satisfying. It will show that you have put fourth an effort that is within the realm of your capabilities and that should be good enough for her.

Lemon Pasta with Basil

Lemon Parapdella Pasta

Shallots, chopped

Garlic, chopped

Good Olive Oil

Salt and Pepper

Romano or other sharp hard cheese, grated

Fresh Basil

Boil water. Add pasta. Cook until tender. Drain. Saute Garlic and shallots on medium heat in a bit of Olive Oil. Drizzle a little Olive Oil on your pasta. Add Garlic and Shallots. Add 1/2 hand full of cheese. Add a tiny bit of the fresh Basil on the top. Make sure to leave more fresh basil, salt and pepper on the table. This way, she can’t complain that there is too much/too little ___(salt, pepper, basil)___ and she can focus on your simple and beautiful effort.

That's Amore!


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