God In the Kitchen

On Father’s Day I sat next to my little sister at the dinner table. She is 18 years younger than me. Her plump little body filled up the chair and her beautiful, Breck-girl blond hair swung gracefully every time she shook her head. We could not be more different. The only two things we have in common are a love for wine and food.

Our main point of contention – she is a fundamentalist Christian. I am definitely not. JJ accused me of being a christian once as I was trying to explain that all Christian sects are not the same. He didn’t quite seem to get that understanding the dogma of Christianity does not mean you believe it. I kind of wished that he had said that in front of my friends, they would still be having a hearty laugh about that one.  I’m glad he didn’t say it in front of my sister, things might have gotten ugly. Jesus is serious business at her house. She doesn’t get that just because I don’t believe in that shit doesn’t mean I don’t understand it.

"He fed the multitudes with a few loaves of bread. He turned the water into wine - hell no wonder he's got so many followers these days. I mean I'll listen to anyone as long as they're buying the drinks and it comes with an open buffet." - Chris Chandler

I’ve been wondering if a good dinner and a couple bottles of Cabernet might save my relationship with my sister. There are lists and lists of ‘do not eat’ items in the the Bible, but I don’t see her worrying about that part  much.

“What are you studying in college now?” I asked her between bites.

“Comparative Religion. I’m going to Liberty University.”

I should have kept my mouth shut, but no. “What have you learned?” I asked. You would think I would know better than this.

“I learned that all religions are essentially the same…” she answered. Did I dare hope? No. “Which means that 90% of the world are liars because they haven’t accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and savior.”

Jerry Falwell has possessed my sister and I don’t think any amount of consecrated wine is going exorcise him out of there. I guess I will just have to accept it and get her this for Christmas:

Cooking with Jesus goes beyond what you would expect in a basic cookbook. In these pages you will discover:

* Basic equipment and instructions for novices in the kitchen

* Tips and tricks for experienced cooks

* Recipes for tried-and-true crowd pleasers

* New recipes that are sure to become family favorites
*Instructions for outdoor and camp cooking – Have you ever baked in a cardboard box? Or fried an egg on top of a tin can?

Really? Is this woman a girl-scout for god?

Fuck the fried egg. What I want to know is, are there instructions in there for the water into wine thing?


guaranteed to make even the most brazen atheist sinner see god. Also guaranteed to make your head spin.

Get a beer glass, and fill a 1/4 of it with the whisky. Add vodka until half full, then the Fosters beer until 3/4 full. Add the cider ’til glass is almost full. Add a hint of blackcurrant squash. Serve. Pray.

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