I have a real love-hate relationship with holidays. I feel that holidays have taken a bad turn. I’ve decided that it’s time for a change. I’m getting rid of superfluous holiday’s in my life and adopting a few other fun one’s. In addition, I’ve decided to create a few menus for my new and improved holiday’s. I’ll be posting them here as these better, more user friendly holidays approach.
Let’s start by nixing the holiday almost everyone hates – Valentines Day.
Look, if your significant other can only remember to love you on the day designated by Hallmark, kick their sorry ass to the curb! Valentines Day is being replace with the ancient Roman holiday of Fornacalia. No kidding, this holiday actually existed. It was the Roman equivalent of an annual block party feast with sacrifices in honor of the goddess Fornax to ensure that the bread would be baked properly that year. For this holiday, I’m thinking chocolate cake is on the menu. I suggest that the ritual consist of women, married or otherwise, being able to have one day of free sex with anyone of their choosing. No judgments, no guilt, chocolate cake. Now there’s a holiday that would be dear to my heart.
Diwali/Halloween/Day of the Dead: this will be a week long celebration centered around candy, costumes and candles. I think this could be a call to conserve resources, we’ll make it a tradition to keep your electric lights off all night for a week.
Holi: Holy shit. Holi sounds like a lot of fun. Unless anyone has any objections, I think we should keep it just the way it is.
12 Days of Solstice or Sol Invictus: We’ll keep the gifts, but the first rule is that they have to be food gifts. In particular, food gifts to the poor. The second rule is that Solstice can’t start until Solstice. 12 day should be plenty and they should all be federal holidays. No one needs two months of preparation for a one day holiday. We’ll keep the tree, the holly and the mistletoe. We’ll keep the sleigh rides, the ice skating, the secular music, the menu, the Mead. I bet you can guess what we’ll be getting rid of…..
Talk Like a Pirate Day: Excellent! I think we should move it to coincide with the opening day of boating season. All the stores will play Jimmy Buffet songs over and over again and and there will be lot’s of Rum and Margarita’s all around.
Earth Day: Definitely a keeper. We’ll all be having naked and crazy parades where we make home-made costumes celebrating our fellow companions on space-ship earth. We’ll plant trees, we’ll make a ritual trip to our local co-op or community farm, and we’ll cook at home. I think home-made wine might be the appropriate drink of choice here.
Hot Tub Week: This should occur sometime in late January or early February. There actually is a Hot Tub Day – March 28th.
Joseph Campbell Day: A day where we all follow our bliss. Eat what ever the hell you want regardless of what diet you are on.
Now, I’m not opposed to religious holiday’s in general. I just don’t think the rest of us should be subjected to other people’s concretized dogma. A few other holiday’s of note that should have more attention (most of these actually exist or have existed): International Women’s Day, National Punctuation Day, National Cheese Cake Appreciation Day, Indigenous Resistance Day, Mardi Gras, Friendship Day, the Festival of Sleep, Working Naked Day, National Condom Day, Thumb Appreciation Day (where would we be without one?), Sorry for Slavery Day International, National Honesty Day, Geek Pride Day, Be Kind to Spider’s Week, Gay Pride Day, Global Orgasm Day, International Beer Day, Zombie Appreciation Day, Take a Hike Day and Cannabis Appreciation Week. In celebration of some pretty cool people I think these should be International holidays: Buddha’s Birthday, Mahatma Gandhi Jayanti, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, King Kamehameha Day, Jamie Oliver Appreciation Day and Che Day. I’m sure there are plenty more of theses.
Here are the one’s that are going: Columbus Day, Oil Expropriation Day (it’s just sad), National Defense Transportation Day, Bank Day, Valentine’s Day, Flag Day, New Year’s Eve (See Sol Invictus), Black Friday and April Fool’s Day. Just to name a few. I invite you to add your own.
Here is a recipe from the Food Network you can use for any holiday:
Chocolate Cake with Butter Cream Frosting:
- 3 cups packed brown sugar
- 3/4 cup canola oil
- 3 eggs
- 2 2/3 cups flour
- 2 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
- 2 1/4 teaspoons baking soda
- 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
- 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
- 1 1/2 cups milk
- 1 1/2 cups water
- 1 1/8 cups cocoa powder
- 1 1/2 pounds sweet butter, soft
- 3 cups sifted powdered sugar
- 2 tablespoons vanilla extract
- 1 pinch salt
To make the cake: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Oil 3 (10-inch) cake pans and line the bottom with parchment paper. Alternately, oil the pans and then flour them.
In the bowl of an electric mixer, combine the brown sugar and oil. Turn on the mixer to a low speed and mix in the eggs. Let the sugar, oil, and eggs mix while sifting together the flour, baking powder, soda, and salt in a separate bowl. Set this mixture aside.
In another small bowl, mix the vanilla into the milk and set this aside as well. Bring the water to a boil and pour over the cocoa and whisk it until it is smooth. To the egg mixture, alternately add the flour mixture and the milk mixture beginning and ending with flour. With the mixer off, scrape down the sides of the bowl after each addition. With the mixture at a low speed add the cocoa. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and pour this mixture into the prepared cake pans. Bake the cake for approximately 15 minutes or until tester comes out clean. When cake layers have cooled, remove from pans and refrigerate until cold.
To make the frosting: In an electric mixing bowl place the soft butter and beat it on a low speed while adding powdered sugar. When all the sugar is mixed in, turn off the mixer and scrape down the sides of the bowl. Add in the vanilla and salt and let the mixer beat for 5 to 7 minutes on a medium speed. Fill and frost the cake and refrigerate it for 10 to 20 minutes to set up the frosting.
They recommend a ganache from the top, but I would just smear the whole thing with Butter Cream Frosting and top it with toasted Coconuts. Yum for any occasion.